Mother. The most important figure in a person’s life. The most needed. After all, it is with the mother that the child builds the first relationship in his life. And further interaction with the world and people largely depends on what they will be. And in the life of a girl, her mother’s role is especially significant.
We learn to be women from our mothers. But what if mom is doing poorly with both relationships and femininity?
Can the daughter of an unhappy woman become happy? Let’s take a look at a few patterns of parenting and how they affect our lives.
Girlfriend mom
As a rule, this is a woman who gave birth to a child quite early, at the age of 17-20. In fact, when she was still a child.
Because of this, her own child is perceived by her as a toy, like a younger brother or sister. And relations with him are built equal.
They can be warm and close, from the outside, such women, a mother of 40 years old and a daughter of 20 years old really look like friends, they go on vacation together, discuss men, even sometimes get to know men together.
But they lack an important element for the daughter – support.
The parent is the support for the child. And, therefore, he occupies a position higher – more mature, more persistent, more knowledgeable.
It’s good if such a couple – mother and daughter-girlfriends – have a father. Then he takes over the function of support for both. But if the mother is alone, the girl does not develop a sense of security – you can share with your mother, but you cannot rely on her.
And then she either becomes an adult and responsible early, or she is looking for a strong male figure. It also happens that a mother-girlfriend is overly involved in her daughter’s relationship. Here she also does not see the distance – they are friends, the daughter’s boyfriend is perceived as her own friend, then the mother is always present as the third in the relationship.
Rival mom
Such a woman is at odds with her own self-esteem, therefore she unconsciously perceives her growing daughter as a competitor.
Rivalry can be obvious when all the achievements of the daughter are devalued by the mother, or it can be secret when the mother supports in words, but in fact, takes away, for example, your boyfriend.
The daughters of competing mothers have a sense of security and self-esteem shattered. Mom from support and an ally becomes an enemy and a competitor to beware of.
Mother-woman-in-eternal-search-for-husband
This mother is attractive. And always in shape. It is pleasant to look at her and you can be proud of her flowering appearance.
But such a mother is not around all the time.
The child is brought up by his grandmother or even sits at home alone, while the mother is busy with an important mission – to find a man. The man may be. Only the mother is in no hurry to take the child from the grandmother – first, you need to improve relations with the new husband. And this can last until the grandmother dies or the daughter grows up.
It happens that a child is present in a new family, but the mother is completely absorbed in relationships with a man. And here it remains to hope that the man is loyal to the child from a previous relationship.
The daughter of such a mother, and the son, grow up with an eternal feeling of uselessness and badness. And then for a long time, they are looking for their self-esteem in the offices of psychologists.
Mama infanta
Such a girly girl. And it doesn’t matter how old she is – 35, 50, or 72. From afar, she looks like a mother-girlfriend. But if the mother-girlfriend, instead of being taller, where a parent should be, becomes on a par with her daughter, then the mother-infanta strives to be lower – weaker than her daughter, more helpless. And he steals childhood and youth from his child.
If someone weak is constantly next to you, then you are forced to become strong – it seems that otherwise you cannot survive.
The daughters of infant mothers are usually very strong, very mature, and very responsible. They become so for themselves and for their mother. Because they grow up with the thought: my mother is weak, she will disappear without me.
They often stay with their mothers. Because they are either attracted to the same weak male infants, whom they cannot stand. Or a man cannot stand such a “child” in the form of a mother, who needs to be constantly patronized and taken care of.
Mom is a victim. She’s a tyrant mom
She suffers from a world that is cruel and from people that are unfair. And he tortures his child. Anger, whining, or depression.
There is a lot of psychological and physical abuse in these relationships. The daughter grows up with a sense of shame and guilt written into her subcortex. If she manages to break free, physically separate from her tyrant mother, then long-term therapy does not always help to get rid of baggage in the form of shame and guilt.
Sometimes, in order to keep her daughter, the mother-victim finds herself an illness. Very heavy. But turdnodiagnosable. And then the daughter sits down on the eternal hook “I can’t leave my sick mother.”
Important Findings
If you recognize your mother in one of the types, it is painful, insulting, sad. Not fair. But mom can’t be changed.
You can only change your life. Sometimes at the cost of abandoning the relationship.
One of my friends, who at the age of 50 finally laid down her personal life and moved to her husband in another country, sits with her mother-girl on a tight hook of resentment-guilt.
As soon as my mother starts the song “everyone left me, I didn’t see my old age like that,” the friend breaks down and goes thousands of kilometers to her. It’s such a half-measure – to choose your own happiness, but constantly blame your mother for it.
The other, in her 50s, remained with her tyrant mother, but now her biggest fear is how to live when her mother dies. After all, she no longer knows how to live without a dose of violence. It’s a choice to live my mother’s life.
The third – by the age of 40, she managed to break away from her mother-victim only by refusing to have a relationship with her. Now she is married and building her own family. She chose her happiness and is not to blame for it. Although I spent a lot of effort and money on psychotherapy.
Word for moms
There are no universal choices and general recipes, just as there are no ideal mothers. Everyone makes mistakes.
But for a healthy and harmonious relationship with a child, it is important to understand that he is a separate person. And he has his own life.
He is not a continuation of my mother’s life, not a punishment, not an investment in old age, not a burden, and not compensation. Love your children. Not yourself in them.
