Once, 25-year-old TV journalist Lena, on vacation in Bulgaria, met a Dutch guy, Nikki. Young people met for two years, flew to visit each other, and then decided to get married. The wedding was played in the Netherlands, and a year later – by the whole Dutch company – already in Kyiv, according to Ukrainian traditions. The couple lives in the small town of Sprang Chapel, a hundred kilometers from Amsterdam. For Nikki, this is her hometown, but Lena had to start everything from scratch. Learn the language, adapt to a different mentality, adopt new cultural traditions. But Lena is a persistent girl. A year and a half after the move, she already knows Dutch decently, works in a large international company, volunteers, and writes for a local newspaper. I talked to Lena about the life of a Ukrainian woman in the Netherlands. How much is housing and mortgages, food and clothing,
Sprang Chapel is more like a village than a town,” Lena began her story. “But it cannot be compared with Ukrainian villages, it is just heaven and earth. There is all the infrastructure here: medical facilities, gyms, supermarkets, hairdressers. It is more like a developed cottage town. We have somewhere around 12 thousand people. The place is small, quiet, cozy houses everywhere. We are located very close to Belgium: a 45-minute drive is the Belgian city of Antwerp. The Netherlands is generally a small country, I perceive it as the Kyiv region! (Laughs.)
Cafe in the church
Was it difficult for you to get used to a new place? They say that emigrants have such a period in their lives when in their native country you are already a stranger, and there you are not yet your own
Of course, there are peculiarities of mentality and traditions here. But on the other hand, this is not the Arab world and not America, where there are much more disagreements. The Dutch are very friendly, they treat everyone with the same respect, they accept everyone with their own culture. This has been a huge plus for me. As for getting used to, the local rhythm of life has become surprising for me. When I lived in Kyiv, I was constantly running somewhere, in a hurry. But here – everything is different, calm, measured. I remember when I didn’t have a job yet, I opened my eyes in the morning, and I had to get ready somewhere, hurry up… It seemed that if I didn’t do something now, the Earth would stop. But there was nowhere to run. So, for the first few months, by inertia, I didn’t know where to put myself (smiles). But here even working people are always calm and measured. The Dutch have the word “afspraak”, which means that everything is done according to the schedule, as intended, everything is planned.
I fly to Ukraine several times a year, and I always have the feeling that I am at home. But when I encounter rudeness, rudeness, it’s as if I “wake up”. I directly feel psychological depression, all this negative news, depression, especially lately. And then I understand more and more clearly than in a country where everything is safe, people even breathe differently. In the Netherlands, very little is said about politics. Elections are in ten days (at the time of the interview. – Approx. Ed. ), and here there is almost no political advertising, they talk more about the weather.
The Netherlands is a country in which it is easy to settle down and find your place.
It turns out the perfect picture of the world …
No, something I, because of my upbringing and traditions, was very surprised. In Ukraine, for example, there are a lot of believers, churches that are constantly being built. Here, on the contrary, the churches are closed. On the site of one of them, they made a bookstore, next to a cafe where you can drink tea and coffee. At the same time, they left a table in the form of a cross, everything is in the church style … This is very unusual.
And somehow we were in the same cafe, on the site of which there used to be a church too. But I didn’t know about it. At first, I was surprised that the acoustics were somehow strange, and then I took a closer look – there are drawings of the Virgin Mary on the walls, an old organ stands in the corner … And people sit chatting, drinking beer. To be honest, I couldn’t drink anything there.
Christmas, Easter – in Ukraine these are sacraments, big holidays, people often go to church. Everything is more commercialized here. Christmas is an extra day off, gifts for everyone, decoration of the Christmas tree. For Easter, for example, we bought special rich bread, which is sold in the store, went somewhere with friends. And that’s it. There is no feeling of a holiday, no one bakes Easter cakes, no one paints eggs.
People here are not religious, at least in my environment. There are, of course, zealous Protestants who go to church on Sundays. But there are not many of them. The Dutch are very pragmatic and rational.
Language, volunteering and emigrants
You’re talking about the calm and sedateness of the Dutch. Is there something that they are “soaring” about?
Emigrants. The Dutch are offended by the fact that Syrians, Moroccans, Turks come to their country, who receive housing, language courses almost free of charge, they are constantly paid benefits. The state is obliged to provide them with all this by law, they come to everything ready. And the Dutch are infuriated that all this is being done at the expense of their taxes. They can be understood because they are watching, but the same Syrian has a cooler phone and a more expensive car. The Dutch need to work hard to get what some ex-pats get for nothing. And emigrants are also crowding out the national traditions of the natives… This is also very important for the Dutch.
Where are you working now?
In a huge online store, in the logistics department. This is a warehouse with all the goods that we accept, pack, send. We have a very international team, there are emigrants from the Baltic states, Poland (Lena is the only Ukrainian. – Approx. Ed. ). Between ourselves, we mainly speak English, with customers and management – in Dutch. Volunteering is also very developed here when you just come and do something for free. This is how I work in a local newspaper, and somehow I helped shoot and edit a story for television.
How difficult is it for you to learn a language?
Many people say that this language is difficult. But I would not say that, it is rather specific. Moreover, if you learned some foreign language, then the brain is already tuned to the right wave. Dutch is somewhere between English and German, many words are remembered by associations. It has strict grammar, it must be crammed. I started learning the language two years before moving because the embassy had to take a language test to get a residence permit. You should come to the country already with minimal knowledge. I am still learning the language, I study on Skype with a teacher from Kyiv. But I immediately want to dispel the myth that if you live in a country, then the language will somehow absorb itself into your head. No, the brain is not a computer, and language is not a file on a flash drive, it cannot be downloaded just like that. All the same, you need to sit down and read, write, listen, memorize.
By the way, there are a lot of dialects in the Netherlands, it happens that in a neighboring village they can already pronounce sounds differently, use other words. Languages are sometimes so different that neighboring provinces may not understand each other.
First children, then marriage
Nikki is a foreigner. How did your relationship develop in connection with different mentalities?
We didn’t have any major problems. Maybe I just got lucky with my husband? But there were different “jokes”. I used to be punchy, independent, straightforward. For example, if I run to the checkout in a store, then I certainly need to be among the first in order not to stand in line. And here everyone is so polite and well-mannered, on the contrary, let them go ahead. And several times my husband pulled me up, they say, calmer, it’s indecent. (Laughs.) This upbringing is in their blood!
By the way, when he first flew to me in Ukraine, and we decided to go by train to Lviv, it was a real adventure for him. In the Netherlands, after all, there are only electric trains, and here – a trip on a night train. Coupe, there is a whole night of road ahead … And also – the conductor flies in and asks: “Shall we take a bed?” and leaves. Nikki was so surprised then, asking why she was so aggressive, why she treated us like that … And to me, accustomed to such a service, everything is okay, normal attitude. (Laughs.)In general, the Dutch are more sincere, they live with their eyes wide open, they are curious about everything. I remember when Nikki met my parents, it was they who were the most reserved. But, despite the fact that dad and mom do not speak either English or Dutch, she and her husband manage to somehow understand each other. In moments, in gestures … And Nikki also calls my mother “tech mother” (sounds like “mother-in-law”), and dad – “tech papa”, because it is difficult for him to pronounce, for example, Svetlana Ivanovna.
And how are things with life? Are family responsibilities different here and there?
In the Netherlands – partnerships, you and your husband share everything 50/50. And earnings, and companies, and interests. There is no division into weak and strong sex. There is no stereotype that a woman should spend more time at home with children. Even the decree lasts only three months. Very often, dads sit here with the kids, and mom works part-time or part-time. When I tell my friends that in Ukraine the decree lasts at least three years, everyone is shocked. They just do not fit in the head that you can do so much time. Although I also thought that after three months the body was only recovering after childbirth, and here it was necessary to get back to work again.
But life here is not cheap, so you need to earn money.
By the way, the attitude towards birth and children in the Netherlands is completely different than in Ukraine. Many of us hide pregnancy until the last month, do not tell about the term, gender, name of the baby, forbid looking at the child and showing photos before the christening … Here everything is more open, no one hides anything. So, Dutch girls report pregnancy through Facebook, then they post pictures of the ultrasound scan on Instagram, and upload photos of newborn babies to WhatsApp chats. That is, she gave birth – and after a couple of hours, she sent everyone a frame with a baby. Yes, and children are baptized here very rarely.
There is also an interesting tradition here. If a couple has a child, the family sends out postcards to everyone, where they report the gender, weight, name of the child, as well as an invitation to visit. And it doesn’t matter if you come in a day or a month. All you need to do is let us know when to visit. You are treated to special treats and it will be disrespectful if you refuse.
At what age do they give birth on average?
If you take my husband’s parents, they had children at 20-22. Now everything has shifted: they give birth at 28-32. By this age, you are already firmly on your feet, you live separately from your parents, you have a decent income, and so on. And, interestingly, in order to have a child, you do not always need to be married. You may just have a boyfriend or partner with whom you have signed a partnership contract. This contract, for example, guarantees that when parting, the property is divided in half, and the child has the right to bear a surname. It’s kind of like a marriage contract without marriage.
In the Netherlands, the official registration of marriage is not at all necessary, moreover, it has not been very popular lately.
In general, it was a shock to everyone that Nikki and I got married, and so quickly by local standards. Even though we dated for two years.
We have friends who have been together for five years, but they don’t even think about the wedding. It often happens here that they meet for a long time, then they decide to live together, buy a house, give birth to children, and only after that do they play a wedding. Or they can live without a wedding for 20 years, and then leave. For example, when we just started dating, we came to my grandmother, and her first question was, of course: “When is the wedding?”. And when we later met Nikki’s grandmother and told her that we were going to get married, she was very surprised: “Marry? But you don’t know each other very well. You don’t even have your own house.” (Laughs.). Here, the institution of marriage is somehow leveled, people do not think that the stamp in the passport means anything. For them, feelings, attitudes towards each other are more important.
